James Dean and a cast of thousands in the movie Giant.1. Giant (1956) George Stevens directed this dreadful epic about Texas. He wasn't helped much by the wooden acting of his leads, Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson, who plod through this thing as if weighed down by all the dust of the Perdernales. And though the bright spots include several scenes with James Dean in his last appearance on film, the story goes on, and on, and on, until, when you wake up from your doze, Dean is hidden behind some truly awful old-man make-up and the film still isn't over. A boring and melodramatic subplot involves Mexican-American intermarriage (egad!) and the attempt to steal land rights(holy cow!). An insomniac's delight.
(Giant)
2. The Magnificent Ambersons (1942) I have never determined what this movie is about. The evolution of America from rural to industrial--hence all that fuss about the automobile? The wickedness of families when they pressure a child to marry well instead of for love? The rottenness of sons of the wealthy and if so why make the likable but limited Tim Holt play such a character? A great cast, truly wasted. I could go on and on, but why do so when this film does it for me? The original version, sought by Orson Welles purists, was said to run 132 minutes. And yet, its present cut of 88 minutes is long enough to induce a lovely snooze.
(Magnificent Ambersons)
3. The Barefoot Contessa (1954) Joe Mankiewicz made The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, No Way Out, All About Eve, and A Letter to Three Wives, all terrific films. But, this one is not only not in the same league, it is difficult to believe it is by the same writer/director. A great cast (including Humphrey Bogart) is forced to recite dreary speeches about the evils (egad!) of Hollywood. There are no likable characters, and Ava Gardner plays her part with a strange pseudo-Spanish accent. The plot turns on a sexy star resisting every man who lusts after her and then marrying one who cannot. Lust after her. The opening sequence takes place in a surreal version of a Spanish cafe and after that, you'll be crying Toro! Toro! Toro! as your eyelids begin to droop.
(The Barefoot Contessa)
4. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) Set your alarm to wake you during the sequence when computer Hal takes over the space ship. Other than that, this Stanley Kubrick tale has always been totally incomprehensible to me. My friends who experimented widely with drugs during their youth, look back at this film with great fondness. Try watching it stone cold sober and you'll find, when you awake, there is not a plot point to recall. Works better than Roofies for leaving one with no memory, the morning after.
(2001: A Space Odyssey)
5. The Searchers (1956) Here is a John Ford film missing his usual, wonderful, cast of "Ford company" actors. Except, of course, John Wayne, who is his usual wonderful self playing this awful guy. We are expected to believe the leaden Jeffrey Hunter is an Indian octoroon (hey, a wooden Indian!) and believe that our hero John Wayne is a creepy racist. Oh, and it takes five years to find "Debbie" (not a popular 19th century name, I think) who turns out to be Natalie Wood dressed up like a Madame Alexander doll, which is itself dressed up like the white man's vision of an Indian maid. I'm not buying any of this nonsense and why it is on so many top ten film lists is something I have never understood. But when I'm down, its a bridge over troubled waters for me and I just lay me down and ZZZZZZ.
(The Searchers)
6. A Touch of Evil 1958 So much over-acting goes on in this film, it is no wonder director and so-called star Orson Welles looks like huge, bloated, beached whale: all those calories consumed from all that chewed scenery. Another great cast wasted as Janet Leigh, Charleton Heston, Dennis Weaver, Ray Collins, and Akim Tamiroff walk and drive endlessly through the stopped down, noir-ish version of life south of the border. The long opening shot is a wonder to film aficionados. But hit the snooze button for the rest of it.
(A Touch of Evil)
7. Splendor in the Grass (1961) I just about choked when I learned the great Elia Kazan had directed this turkey. It is just more evidence that the sixties were a troubled time for the film business. Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty drag themselves through this tale, the theme of which seems to be: if you resist having sex when you are young you may end up having to go to a mental hospital (Natalie Wood), or end up as a farmer wearing Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls (Warren Beatty). Writer William Inge (Picnic) hits an extremely odd note here, but that's the beauty of it. Catch the first scene, doze, and wake up for the overalls at the end, with Natalie still in a white (wink wink) dress.
(Splendor in the Grass)
8. Godfather Part II (1974) I know everybody loves this Coppola movie but, jeez, it looks like it was entirely shot at night without lights. Dark, dark, dark. And besides, this brooding dark thing beat out the absolutely terrific Chinatown for best picture that year. Now I ask you. The film is so dark you can sleep, wake up occasionally for an explosion, and put your head right back on pillow and not miss a thing. Famous cast, blah blah blah, but even Marlon was too smart to be in this one. Better than clonezapam on a dull night.
(Godfather: Part II)
9. The Last Emperor (1987) Two hours and forty minutes of unrelieved historical misery directed by Bernardo Bertolucci. This thing won Best Picture and Best Director Oscars that year, evidence of the horrible insecurities of American Academy members. Also released that year were far better movies including Moonstruck, House of Games, Broadcast News, Robocop, The Princess Bride, and (one of two watchable Kevin Costner films), The Untouchables . Still two hours and forty minutes is a pretty good nap time.
(The Last Emperor)
10. A Place in the Sun I can't believe this second sleep-inducing offer from the late great George Stevens only runs 122 minutes. The opening sequences are so promising with Montgomery Clift and Elizabeth Taylor looking absolutely ravishing as they fall in love and Shelly Winters doing a fine job as the mousy other woman, that when it all starts to go wrong, it just goes on and on. I usually fall asleep about the time the autumn leaves start blowing through Elizabeth Taylor's bedroom in the family lake house, look through heavy eyelids to see Raymond Burr as the very mean prosecutor showing that rowboat during the endless trial, and, finally awaken to see Liz saying goodbye to Monty in his cell. Better than NyQuil to help you sleep through a heavy cold.
(A Place in the Sun)
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